Angel's Touch

  June 21,2011 at around 5:45 in the afternoon, I was sent inside the operating room to have a caesarian delivery since my cervix was not opening and that my amniotic fluid is less than the normal. This means that I am in an emergency situation and that my baby needs to come out before he runs out of air inside my tummy. I was a bit scared when I entered the operating room. My heart was pounding so fast. My ob-gyne was already there, her attending physician, two nurses and my anesthesiologist. I was wide-awake during the operation feeling the slicing of my tummy and they were like moving my internal organs or something. I can hear all of them talking but I was kind of nauseated and felt a little sleepy. The difference between a normal delivery and a caesarian delivery is of course, the pain that you will feel from the start of your labor until the coming out of the baby with all the strength you will need to push the baby out. This is just one thing I missed out. But what really saddened me was not seeing my baby after coming out of my tummy, not hearing his cry and not touching him for the very first time.  How I wish I just had my normal delivery. But anyways, what’s done is done and it was of course for my baby’s best. I was unconscious for I think an hour and a half. I woke up in the operating room still feeling dizzy. The nurse was carrying my baby and they showed him to me. They told me that my angel has clubfeet. I didn’t give any reaction at all because I was too tired to even move. And so the nursing attendant sent me back to my room and my belly just hurts too much I can hardly move. They transferred me into a stretcher and then to my bed. My husband was waiting there for me but I couldn’t see my baby anywhere. But since I was too tired to speak, I just slept. I slept another hour before seeing my baby.

            This is it, my baby was sent inside my room. The nurse was carrying him and then she gave him to me.  Oh my precious little angel. I kissed him, hugged him and promised the world I would take care of him. He was such an angel.

 Here’s my angel: Arki Emmanuel Cruz-Lozano

 Isn’t he gorgeous? My precious, my love, my world, my angel and my everything.

But amidst that angelic face is this:

            His doctor diagnosed him with clubfeet. Clubfoot was new to me and so I don’t know what to react. All I know and all I felt was that my angel isn’t normal. I cried and cried thinking he wouldn’t be normal, that he wouldn’t grow up normal. What future does my baby have? All the negative thoughts popped up into my mind and I was hopeless for a moment. But of course, my husband was there to comfort me and talk me over positive things. I still wasn’t convinced with what he’s saying and I continued crying. My baby, my angel…

            My baby’s doctor referred him to an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in clubfoot and other bone related disorders. The ortho surgeon checked on my baby. He said that my baby’s case will have to undergo a series of procedure before his feet will look normal. But before he will start the procedure, he gave us first a copy of a book about clubfoot so that we would understand fully what the process will be. I scanned through the books and found out that my baby’s case wasn’t really rare. 20% of newborn babies in a year have this disorder. It was also stated that with proper procedure and commitment of parents, the program would be 98% successful. This means, that parents have a great part and responsibility during the whole process of the procedure. After a while, the orthopedic surgeon came back and told us that he would see us after 3 days to start the casting.  Though the doctor gave an assurance that my baby will be ok, I still continued crying, blaming myself for everything. 

            By the way, just for your information, cause or causes of clubfoot disorder cannot be identified. 1-2% may be genetically passed on and other causes may include environmental factors.

            On our third day at the hospital, we were discharged and head back home. Though my baby may have a not so normal condition, I was still very, very lucky to have him. He gave more meaning to my life now. He gave my life a direction, a sense of joy, happiness and fulfillment. I could not ask for more because of him. All I want now is for my baby to have a normal feet, grow healthy and strong and most of all, grow with faith from above. Thank you Lord for sharing Your son to me, for letting me borrow Your angel from above. I promise You that I will take good care of him and will love him like the love You are giving us.

P.S

You know what, I still feel loved by God despite my baby’s condition. You know why? I realize that clubfoot is just a physical condition and that it can be fixed. I shouldn’t grieve or cry over it because there are mommies out there who are suffering more than I do. Women who have babies suffering from more serious condition, like only having one leg, one arm, or are born Siamese. I know how these mommies felt but we shouldn’t feel sorry for them because they don’t want this to happen to their babies either. The best thing we could do to help them is to pray for them, to pray for their babies; that they’ll have the faith and the courage to face all this things. I know God wouldn’t give us any problem that we couldn’t cope up with. Just have faith and everything will be in order. =)